Category archives for: Cranky Old Bastids

Madison Congregational Church Members Pray To Be Sent To A Warm Place

madison maine congregational churchMADISON — A Bible sat open on the pulpit in the chill of an empty church last week; purple cloth was draped over the edge, announcing the change of seasons. The Bible was open to the Book of Isaiah, Chapter 59, which, in general terms, focuses on thoughts of a redeemer being delivered. “Indeed, the Lord’s hand is not too short to save and His ear is not too deaf to hear,” Isaiah writes in verse 1. The church was the Madison Congregational Church, at the busy downtown corner of Weston Avenue and Main Street, where the dwindling membership could use that verse as they put the 1892 brick church up for sale to the highest bidder. They pray for a buyer and fear the Madison landmark will fall to the wrecking ball, as other properties in Madison have in the past two years. “We would like to see the building preserved. Financially, we’re running out of money, and we don’t have enough people to support it,” said deacon and lifelong member Charlotte Withee, of Anson. “The biggest thing is the heat. Maybe another church could take it over if someone needs a bigger space. … In the cities a lot of things happen to old churches — turned into restaurants, art galleries and a lot of things — but in Madison that’s not going to happen.” (read more at the Kennebec Journal)

Cranky Old Maine Humorist Of Indeterminate Gender Having Trouble Picking One Topic Not To Be Funny About

Cranky Mainer of indeterminate genderShe who believes in spiritual, semi-mystical magic is out in the yard digging a hole. We’ll get to that later. Right now I’m thinking that the cartoon guy with the sign that says “The end of days are here; repent,” is on to something. Dig these headlines: Ebola running wild across the planet. A tornado in Maine. Two hurricanes and an earthquake on the same day in Hawaii, another earthquake rattlingthe pinot noir grapes in the Napa Valley, Gov. Rick Perry being indicted, recycling gone amok in Waterville, the tea party, monsoon rain, and now — wait for it, here it comes — a tick in our backyards that makes us allergic to meat! Say what? A tick that makes us allergic to Big Macs and Whoppers, meatballs, hanger steaks and sirloin tips? OMG, is bologna on that list? This is serious. How does one make a Manwich burger with tuna or tofu? Evangelist Pat Robertson was laughed at for suggesting that earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly an Earth-destroying meteor were all part of God’s punishment for letting someone’s nephew in Las Vegas marry someone’s son from Alabama. Is it possible that this tick is heaven’s punishment for eating fast food? As if obesity and gas weren’t enough, now Burger King has incurred God’s wrath? Maybe vegans have had it right all along. Perhaps vegans are messengers from beyond. Maybe they are “The Others”? I know the economy is struggling. Obama’s numbers are down, and the Red Sox are being shamed by Mo’ne Davis, but this tick thing is out of control. (read more at the Portland Press Herald)

Scientists Warn That The Combined Gravitational Pull Of Governors LePage And Christie Could Affect GPS Devices

Governors Christie and LePageBANGOR, Maine — New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie once again touched down in Maine on Tuesday to offer his support — and considerable fundraising prowess — to Gov. Paul LePage’s re-election campaign. Christie, chairman of the Republican Governors Association, was making his second stop in the Pine Tree State, after an appearance at Becky’s Diner in Portland and a LePage fundraiser in May. This time, he and LePage toured a recently expanded airplane maintenance and repair operation in Bangor, where Christie touted LePage’s efforts to make Maine more business-friendly, and pledged “millions of dollars” to see him returned to the Blaine House in 2014. LePage is in a tight race with Democratic U.S. Rep. Mike Michaud. Independent candidate Eliot Cutler is also running, but lags in the polls. (read more at the Bangor Daily News)

Cranky Old Mainer Of Indeterminate Gender Likes To Watch The Weather On TV. That’s The Joke

Cranky Mainer of indeterminate genderThe local weather forecaster says it’s going to rain Monday. Why do I care? I’m not going anywhere on Monday. There is that tiny leak in the roof of the closet in the back of the house, but unless it’s a torrential downpour, the kind they have every June in Manila and Singapore that causes mud slides that kill thousands of people in the Philippines and China, I can’t worry. But then there was that rain we had last week, which revealed the leak. So then why do I and people like me get so obsessed with the weather? Define obsession. Here’s what I watch: Each evening I watch three weather reports, the early, mid-evening and the final one at 11:15 p.m. Okay, that’s probably a lot. Channel 6 starts first, then quickly I cut down to Channel 5, which follows a few seconds later, and then Channel 8, which is always behind. They basically give the same report, but one focuses on the south, the other floats around central Maine and the latter kind of covers Bangor and the north. (read more at the Kennebec Journal)

Governor Announces Welfare Drug Testing To Ensure Everyone’s Getting Their USRDA Of Methadone, Xanax, And Oxys

Bums sleeping in park. Maine news from The Rumford MeteorAUGUSTA – Governor Paul R. LePage announced Wednesday the State of Maine is moving forward with its plan to conduct drug tests of convicted drug felons who are applying for or receiving welfare benefits.

Over the last several months, the Maine Department of Health and Human Services has focused on designing its drug-testing measures to ensure privacy and fairness, while reinforcing accountability and integrity in the program. The tests will be required of drug felons who receive Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) benefits.

“Maine people expect their tax dollars to be spent supporting our most vulnerable citizens – children, the elderly and the disabled,” said Governor Paul LePage. “We must ensure that our tax dollars do not enable the continuation of a drug addiction. “TANF is a short-term benefit that assists families and children with the basic necessities. If someone tests positive for drugs, they are clearly putting their addiction ahead of their family’s needs. Being drug-free is a critical aspect of moving away from poverty and toward self-sufficiency. We must do all that we can to make ensure children’s needs are being met and that the TANF recipient has the best possible chance at economic independence.”

When a person applies for benefits, the individual must report whether he or she has a prior drug-related felony conviction. If the answer is yes, the State will schedule a drug test and notify the individual 24 hours prior to the actual test.

“Our rules are drafted according to the knowledge we have gained over the last several months. As a result, our drug testing program is based on best practices and aligns with federal law,’’ explained Department of Health and Human Services Commissioner Mary Mayhew.

If a person tests positive, the individual will have the option to be tested a second time. At any time, an individual can avoid termination of benefits by enrolling in an approved and appropriate substance abuse program. Those who fail to disclose they are convicted drug felons will be found in violation of program rules and will face immediate termination of benefits.

The State’s rule will be published in August and must move through the rule-making process, which includes a public hearing.

August 6, 2014
Governor’s Office

Cranky Old Maine Humorist Of Indeterminate Gender Says Life Is Funny, But has No Idea How To Prove It

Cranky Mainer of indeterminate genderLife is funny, wanna have a cup of coffee? J.P. Devine asks. On The Edge “I can’t do coffee, but I can do Dr. Pepper.” – Cher  It’s there in your hand, on your kitchen counter, the table, or in a thermos waiting to go with you. It’s the ubiquitous dark universal drug of choice. Okay, it’s not officially a drug. Then what is coffee? You tell me. Coffee.  It’s all about coffee, I drink one a day and I don’t even like it. So why do I do it? Where did it start, this drinking something I only like when it’s iced and it’s 95 degrees? Caffeine hits my brain like a car leaving the track at the Indy 500 head on. Too much at a dinner party, and I turn the room into a club and never shut up until people start drifting into the kitchen and staring back at me, as I stand there talking to empty couches. This embarrasses She, who only drinks fruit juice. So when I do it, it’s decaffeinated. Almost no one does that. People who drink decaf in America are like bare foot skiers in the Alps. Who does this? It’s so rare that the baristas at the various coffee houses stare at me for a moment and then say, ” It’ll take a minute to brew some.” “Why?” “Because you’re the only one who asks for it.” “I can’t be the only one.” “No, someone came in last week and asked for it.” So why do I drink it at all? Where did I learn this? After my father’s death, my mother started sleeping later and later. Then she started having migraines. She was after all, only 48 when her husband died. Menopause and death is a bad brew. (keep reading at the Kennebec Journal)

At Ninety, Portland Painter Looks Back On A Life Of Explaining To His Wife Why He Needed A Naked Girl In His Studio Just To Paint Rhombuses

Robert Nason painterPORTLAND, Maine — From serene lighthouses to mysterious skulls to myriad self-portraits, Robert Nason’s work covers a panoply of genres, decades and wives. For the seven years he has painted at Running with Scissors in Portland, the 90-year-old has outlasted creatives who are years younger. On Saturday, his show Nason At Ninety opens in the collective’s gallery. Like the man himself, the work dating back to the 1950s is evidence of a multifaceted life. “It’s really an experiment,” he says of the show. His watercolors, oils and charcoals were selected by relatives, friends and a fellow artist who “looked at everything in my studio and storage space, thousands of pieces,” he said. The result? “New and surprising.” That sums up Nason’s approach to life. Unlike his neighbors in the nearby apartment complex where he lives, he is up and out every day in his studio creating. In a cramped room lined with colorful canvases, paints, crayons and work spilling out into the hallway, there is always something to keep him engaged. “I don’t usually wake up and decide what I’m going to do,” he said of his daily practice. “A lot of them are not finished. So as I look around, I see something and I say, ‘That one needs work.’ That gets me going.” (read more at the Bangor Daily News)

Governor Swears In, At, And Within Earshot Of Seven New Judges

Maine State Capitol dome. Maine news from The Rumford MeteorAUGUSTA – In a robing ceremony conducted at the Kennebec County Superior Courthouse this afternoon, Governor Paul R. LePage administered the oath of office to seven judges – five appointees to the District Court and two District Court judges appointed to the Superior Court.

The following individuals are those newly appointed to the District Court:

Judge Andrew Benson, Athens
Judge William Schneider, Durham
Judge Lance Walker, Falmouth
Judge Eric Walker, Belmont
Judge Barbara Raimondi, Auburn

These new judges received from Chief Justice Saufley at the ceremony a judicial robe symbolizing objectivity, neutrality, and the Rule of Law.

Governor LePage also administered the oath of office to Superior Court appointees Justice Daniel I. Billings of Bowdoinham and Justice Robert E. Mullen of Waterville.

“I commend you for your work to uphold a standard of integrity in our judicial system. I am confident in your character and have great faith in your sense of fairness,” Governor LePage told the judges and justices. “Thank you for your dedication to the people of Maine and to our Great State of Maine.”

May 2, 2014
Governor’s Office

Poll Indicates That Mainers Have Given Up Dreaming About Moving Away, And Are Probably Just Praying For The Sweet Release Of Death At This Point

Mainers looking Maine-y at the Rumford Meteor, Maine news from the seat of Oxford CountyAccording to a recent Gallup poll, the three states where people are least likely to find the grass greener on the other side of the proverbial fence are Hawaii, Montana and… drumroll, please… Maine. The way life should be. Only 23 percent of Mainers would leave the state if they could, according to Gallup, which is a tie for the lowest percentage in the country along with the two aforementioned states. The polling took place from June through December of last year, when organization representatives interviewed at least 600 residents older than 18 years old in each state, and asked: “Regardless of whether you will move, if you had the opportunity, would you like to move to another state, or would you rather remain in your current state?” In contrast to Maine, about half of everybody in Illinois (50 percent), Connecticut (49 percent) and Maryland (47 percent) would leave their respective states if they could only find a way. By that metric, if you met two people on the bus in Chicago, it’s a good bet one of them would want to be somewhere else. (read more at the Bangor Daily News)

Newly Donated Piano At Senior Center Sparks Controversy Over Whether Everyone Does, Indeed, Hate The @#$%ing Eagles, Man

Wiscasset Senior CenterIt’s always a good time at the Wiscasset Community Center’s senior center when Ellie Tracy plays piano and fellow members of the center sing along. But the music had added meaning on March 19. The members were honoring the Jasmin-Melnicove family of Dresden, for giving the circa 1920 piano to the senior center about a year ago. On hand for the supper and the singing were Denise Jasmin, and her 92-year-old mother, Lee Damioli. “I think it’s great,” Damioli said about the recognition the family was receiving for the donation. “Thank you, ladies,” Rudi Rines said during a program for the guests of honor. Then he led fellow members in a round of applause for them. While Tracy played the upright, Rines and a line-up of other members sang “Sweet Caroline.” (keep reading at the Wiscasset Newspaper)

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